Love is not conditional.

It’s true. Sometimes we will let ourselves down by truly believing someone’s words and intentions. During those times we must understand that someone’s lies, selfishness, and fickle is not a reflection of who we are—-but a true reflection of their character, their emotional intelligence, and their general human decency. Some people only care about being kind when it’s beneficial to them  Find the few that don’t use people  Find the People that mean what they say and do everything to back it up. Find the one that has only eyes for one person. Find the one who’s truth is consistent. Who’s content learning and growing together. Find the one who is your best friend. Who is unapologetically self aware and honest even when they have failed you. 

Stay away from words. Believe actions. Believe kindness. Believe staying. Believe consistency.  Believe showing up. 

Lust and newness fades. Unconditional Love remains. Always. 

Do you love who you are today? 

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Slow down.

Life hands us reminders to slow down.  

To be present.  To stop and live in the moment.  Take those and use them wisely to recallibrate your heart and your mind.   Things don't always end up the way you want them (December will be a testament to that), but as long as you trust the process and live in a space of gratitude life will come, and it will come beautifully. Walk a little slower, even if it's on purpose  

Warning: graphic content below. 

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No time November.

And so it goes.

The I love you comes so quickly.

The newness fades, the shiny gets dull.

And the work reveals itself.

The cosmetic stuff turns into a full blown fixer upper.

And then we ask ourselves is this even worth it?

Oh how quickly we can auction off our love when effort knocks at our doors.

The most beautiful thing I could ever hear is -these words-I still love you. 

Even when it's easier to run.

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Firefly Nights

I know I haven't written much. I suppose I have little to say. I'm trying to fill in holes inside of me. It's been an exhausting summer and fall. From research to being in the hospital, to playing awesome Aunt and just being overwhelmed with work.  Everyday I'm trying to put more in then I take out. Somedays I mess up. Somedays I'm the champ. The winner. The master of gratitude. Fall Always reminds me of everything I need to shed.   

So here I am. Being content. Traveling and learning.  What a journey it is. 

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You return.

Another ode to an ex-lover.

How easy it is to bury yourself into something or someone else when you don't want to stand in your own pain......

The pain you've caused others. And the pain you constantly self sabotage yourself with.  

When you lie.And say I was never hidden, after 8 years. Look back at the last six months and see how many times you put your words and beauty out there about us. 

Tell me I'm a liar then.  And look at your posts now.

A return to old cycles will always come back around. It's who you are.  You cannot outrun it.  It's in your blood.

If we have not faced our own pain, we react to the pain of others.  The capacity to facilitate transformation in others cannot exceed our capacity to face our own pain. 

Be who said you were. Do what you said you'd do.  Or bury your pain in another budding romance. We all know how that story ends.  

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Practice what you preach....errr post?

Change is a hard thing. Learning why you default back to your old self in times of chaos and crisis is something some people will never master. One of the saddest things in the world is to see someone talk about how much they have grown and changed, yet never see actions to back it up. Today it's so easy to superficially pretend we've changed. We can post some self love quotes, snap a bunch a pictures of us reading a book or exploring some art, or create a board we pin to every now and then called "mindfulness".  But just because we do these things for show, for the outter world, does not mean our inner world has changed at all. Doing these things means nothing if you still are who you've been telling people you aren't anymore. Posting a self love quote is empty if you aren't stopping the destructive behaviors that have kept you stuck in the same place for the past ten years.  And yes, self help or trauma books or podcasts mean nothing, if you are resorting back to old coping skills or negative influences, or emotionless feel good actions for immediate gratificationor attention. And yes, you know exactly what those behaviors are. Change is hard. I get it. But avoiding the very thing you did and using humor to downplay it is actually suppressing your real emotions.  It's not being accountable. It's not actively working on anything. It's simply making a joke of them.  We can all go to therapist tell people we are actively working on ourselves   We can pin another pin to our "board", but if we are not speaking our truth to a therapist or "board" and then actually LIVING it or breathing it in our actions----Then we are merely imposters, and in the end only cheating ourselves. 

We must not post to our superficial outter world, if our inner world isn't practicing that same thing. Be the kind of person that lives what you post. That wants to see a better self. A better world. That wants to be surrounded by people who love them for who they are. Don't just pin about it. Don't post a quote about it. Actually fucking live it. Down to the bone. 

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Leave it better than you found it.

In my adventures to many parks this past year I often came across this saying. It has been a saying that I have embodied in all of my life recently.  

If we can't bring beauty to something then we shouldn't be there. Take care of the places you go, the people you love, and the body you have. Leave it better, not the same, not worse.  

I am reminded of this today---when someone offers words of an apology to me for treating me in ways I never deserved. Let me say this. There is a clear difference in being authententic and empathetic and sincere in your apology and also just saying it to say it so you can feel better and try to justify your own actions.  If you feel someone's words were empty, dry, loveless, and merely a way to make themselves feel better----leave it. Leave it better then you found it. You deserve all of the love. All of the empathy. All of the sincerity. You are not regurgitated words with hollow actions trailing behind.  You are not "I wish you the best". You are not formal. Your being is raw.  The loss of you in someone's life is monumental. It warrants more. More love. More sincerity. More effort. More fight. Less should haves and more show up on your porch to say it in person. More fire in your heart.  And if that's not something someone can offer your beauty of a soul, simply leave it better than you found it.  

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