Books. On Books.

I have been reading a lot lately.  I've stopped watching tv as much. Maybe a movie a week. Do not watch Sea of Trees. Horrible movie. But do watch Captive with Ryan Reynolds.  I may have a secret crush on Ryan in this movie. Probably because he dresses like a hiking lesbian with some scruffy facial hair.  I also watched the Minimalist a few weeks ago. Which pushed me more towards a tiny house or cabin. However, my tiny house would still have a library shelf. Soooo....you should definitely check out the reads below: 

Daring Greatly. Superb. Buy this. Right meow. 

Tiny Beautiful Things. Great, easy, relateable read from Deer Sugar who is Cheryl Strayed. 

Yes Please by Amy Poehler. Not a big fan. I mean it was okay but I wasn't too impressed. However, I heard the audiobook is a lot better. Has extra conversations and clips.  So maybe I'll have to grab that somewhere.  

The Twits. Playful kind of twisted funny. Even fun for an adult.  

Wild. Cheryl Strayed (again).  Love this book. The book is better than the movie. No doubt. 

Also, I re-read Attached. Adult attachment theory.   If you are a lesbian and haven't read this. You should. It explains so many behaviors. 

Reading helps me learn about myself and others. I love when I can process a concept and apply it to my life. Sometimes words slap me in the face and help me recognize what is and is not "okay".  But you have to be open to receiving it. 

Book it friends.  Any other recommendations for me? 

Under the sun.

There is a piece of me that Iives inside of you.

Find it.

Hold it up to the light.

See how clear it is.

See how easy it is to hold. 

The light reflects off of it.

How it shimmers under the suns eye.

It's beauty so present.

You can't only love me under the sun.

Cheers

Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name, and they are always  

glad

glad

glad

glad

glad  

you, yes you, came.  

Writing it out.

I don't know how else to get my feelings out. Have you tried your hand at writing? There is no good or bad writing if it's coming from your heart.  

Write down how you feel today. Write down what you are missing. What you are planning to do. What you want to be doing. Figure out what's stopping you from doing those things. 

If you feel like nobody hears you. Write it out.   You don't have to share it. Or you can. Maybe it's a letter to your Mother. An apology to someone you hurt. Maybe they deserve to see it. Maybe you aren't ready yet. But maybe writing it down will help you process what you want to say when the time comes.  We all deserve to receive and write a few letters ourselves. 

I don't know how effective my writing is to those around me. But then again, I mostly do it for myself. If it speaks to someone, well that's just an added bonus.  

It will never hurt to bleed from heart to page. Most of our regrets in life come when we didn't do something we should have, or speak up when we had the chance. Let your writing be a guide to never letting that happen again.  

It's okay to be sensitive. To be vulnerable. To feel all of the things. Do not apologize for who you are. (Much like my rowhouse toilet) Write. It. Out. Before it's too late. 

Words are more powerful than we think.  

Love lives in the small things.

The Freedom Trail. What an awesome way to explore Boston. To sneak through parks, back alleys, and places I could call home.

It was a cold day here. The smack of the air reminded me I am alive. I haven't felt it much lately.  My heart buried itself for the winter. There are times when I felt alive most.  Defending my dissertation. Exploring Hawaii. My doctorate speech. Proposing and being proposed to. In those moments I felt something I could never explain.  Pure bliss.  As if this life was as sweet as it could ever get. As if I lived for those very moments.

I imagine there are only a few more of these feelings in my future. A wife. A wedding. A baby. Watching my wife give birth. Watching her graduate again. Watching my children grow.  Getting a tenure track. Grandchildren.

I know how big my heart felt on those big moments.

And I also know how big my heart felt during small moments.

Waking up before her and watching her sleep.

A movie in our regular seats with a blanket.

An unexpected pull you closer.

A walk by the lake.

A good morning text.

An unexpected compliment.

A rainy Tuesday.

The waiting period of seeing her.

Our shows.

Our traditions.

The French press.

Comfy boots.

A pizza.

Our own little tubs of ice cream.

A mid day hike.

The dog across our bellies.

All to often we wait for the alive moments. The Big Bang. The fireworks. The perfect days.

I love those, but I'll live in the small moments forever. I find true happy there. It's where I feel most loved. Most wanted. Most real. I find it laying in the tent watching the dog run back and forth to the river. Reading a book together. I find it in that space where the excitement lays of seeing each other again. That longing between kisses. In letters and cards. The warmth tucked into the love sac. The dates of pho. And watching kids play. To me. It will always be those small things that make me feel most alive.

Don't forget them just because they don't have some noteworthy anniversary. For they are the fire of the love you carry.

Hold on tight. They will bring you the happy.

If there is anything you take from this blog, let it be that.

Love lives in the small things.

We are not all pretty.

On the headspace app I use the Narrator Andy says research suggest that if you do the same thing at the same time everyday it's more likely to become a habit.  I'm really good at routine so this is easy for me.  I drink a coffee every morning. I listen to this app. I write after the coffeee. Whether it be this blog or in a book I carry with me. Or sometimes my notepad app.    At the end of the day I write again. I usually list three feelings I felt that day. 

Ive started a new routine though.  Every morning before I leave the house I stare at my feet. I look at my hands. For people with anxiety. This is normal. To realize you are grounded. To realize what's present around you and what you control. When I do this I remind myself that I am right where I am supposed to be. That this isn't in my control. That it's not my fault. That there is nothing wrong with me. That I am enough. That if words and love are as strong as I make them to be, then that's something I would admire and want in another. Something that I would need from a person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And if my partner is that person, she will show up even in the smallest ways. With time, she will show up. 

I don't mean that there is "nothing wrong with me" in a sense that I am perfect. Because I'm not. And you aren't either. Nobody is. We all have some scratches. Some dents. Some non-flattering pieces. A lazy eye. Messy hair. A worry wart. A crooked toe. A troubled past. Dorky glasses. But they aren't things that make us ugly. They are things that make us who we are. Much like these historic downtown buildings in Boston. They are so pretty. But their history and stories aren't all gorgeous. But we love them not for their past or their current faults, but because of overall who they are and what they bring to us. We must be willing to stop expecting perfect. A perfect life. A perfect wife. A perfect job. A perfect relationship. A perfect day. And realize that every being, place, dream or wish has flaws. Nothing in this life will ever be the fairytale we imagined. But if we acknowledge each others beauty before the imperfections we can surely get close to it.  When you stay.  When you learn to be vulnerable with someone. When you talk about yourselves and your wants and needs. When you communicate that beauty and talk about those not so flattering pieces, eventually they (the not so pretty pieces) get smaller. And smaller.  It's why my anxiety got extremely small over the past six months. With vulnerability you get more pretty, not more ugly. The pieces of ourselves we show to others make us beautiful. They make us realize that this is not who we are but it's a piece of us. That's something we need to remember.  That vulnerability brings the beauty of our true selves out, not fear and not the ugly we are ashamed of. What will you be vulnerable with today? Will you tell a piece of your past? Admit a fault? Confront something you should have a long time ago? Will you stop hiding behind shells or excuses or shame?  Will you start a new habit every day at the same time that helps you be more vulnerable? Everyday when I write those three feelings down. If one is negative I get more vulnerable with myself and find the why. The real why. Not the why I would fake and tell others. I also write one word down that in my mind I would like to "hand to my partner". Sometimes it is "strength" or "courage" sometimes it is "cheese", "movies"  or "lucky".  If I could hand it to her and explain it, and why I've connected it to her and that day and the feeling of vulnerability... I would. But I just hold it for now. Like a trophy. Waiting to show her. 

The real why is always the hardest.  This is me being vulnerable today. I am recognizing I am not perfect. I am recognizing that I am worth it. That love is not easy. That it lives even if I can't touch it right now. I feel it in my hands before I walk out the door. I can't touch it. But I can feel it. 

Check out the pic and and quote below from OhioExplored. Spot right on. I love you simply.  

 ...I will always love you simply. 

Just me.

The hardest battle I've ever won was to stop apologizing for being me. I'm silly. Sometimes I show it in awkward ways. I laugh and love fully. Even if it's different. And I'm OK with that. Being me brings love into my life. If you don't know these sides of me it's because you haven't tried too. #love #worth #me #laughter #life