Just be.

Got the ramp built for the quads. Tomorrow we have neighbor dates exploring with the ATV's. We are going to check out the caves, the Indian Bowl, and some other mountain trails.  

This isn't a place. It's a state of mind.  Of all the roads you take, make sure most of them are dirt. There is no better view then simplicity and nature. Go outside today and remember how it feels to just be. 

 

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Grab them.

What a beautiful weekend we had on the mountain. From friends to family, we got to experience a beautiful view from an amazing mountaintop and deck. I don't know that pictures could ever do the eclipse justice, it's one of those times in life where you just have to grab the moment without a camera and love it, and experience it.  We were in the direct path of totality and so the view was beyond amazing. 

I felt so lucky to be sharing the view and the week with so many important and raw people in my life. People that drove 10 plus hours to see my place and experience this with me. 

I had some time today to finally write. And in that time I realize there will be many moments like this in life. Moments where you just need to grab them, feel them, remember them in your mind. Not with a camera. With your mind. Let your mind grab them tight. Hold on to them, like a newborn baby, like the tip of the saddle. Hold on. Tight. Never let go. 

Find a moment like this.  

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Happy Friday.

This spoke to me today. So true. The past 8 months have demanded a different me. Have mde me recognize authenticity, the value of communication, how you can't fix people who don't want to fix themselves. My life has challenged me to do better and expect better. Expect what I deserve. 

 

Happy Friday all. Hoping to update my list of 86 today. Taking my first trip post surgery Sunday. Bring on the eclipse. Excited to share history with the great people of my life. Mountain living here I come.  

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Give.

There's a Little Free Pantry in E. Columbus. A friend of mine built it. The point is to leave things you can, school supplies, food, Hygiene products and if in need take what you need.  I love this concept.  

I left school supplies.  

I love when a community does these things. The giving to strangers is such a beautiful thing. How have you given to a stranger lately? We need it now more than we ever have.  

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There is still something left.

Hello! I drove for the first time in 2.5 weeks  and made my way to my second home, Columbus. I checked out the new Giadornis, hung out at the Crew Game, and volunteered my time serving dinner at the Homeless Shelter. It felt good to be back in my element of giving and sharing. Speaking of sharing  

I feel honored to be working with Tyler Knott Gregson on our first project Tshirt. His authenticity shines through his work and also his willingness to join us in this new adventure. His poetry has always moved me in ways I never knew I could.  My surgery and recovery set us back a few weeks but we are back on track for a September release date. 

This particular piece spoke to me today because I'm struggling with being vulnerable with someone. Maybe I'm not ready? Maybe I'll never trust again? I mean, I have every reason not to. Can you blame me? Parts of me still feel empty. Like I've been gutted  skinned-left with only my bones. Bones that I sharpen everyday to write the hurt away. 

But I see these words and I remember there is something left in me. And that something will grow bigger and bigger the more I learn to trust again.  

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Space for Faith

I've been quoting Brene Brown for months now. Her book was one of the first books I read post my break up. It is a summation of shame and fear and vulnerability. If you haven't checked it out. Please do.  It will have you exploring pieces of yourself you never knew possible. 

This specific quote has always stuck with me. I wanted to badly to have faith in my partner and in her intentions.  I sat in pain and discomfort for many weeks while she tried to figure herself out.  I had never sat in that space before. That was the first time where I gave my energy to believing and just was present in my space, even with a future unknown.  And even though I gave my faith the space it needed, and her the space she needed. So much that she thanked me everyday for the patience and understanding I brought to us. Sitting in that space of faith was never easy. However, it did teach me a lot after she left. The beauty of being okay. Of feeling pain and discomfort and yet still believing there is a good thing just around the next bend. Having faith taught me how not to mask my hurt, my empty, or fill up my bones or holes with something or someone new. Learning to sit with yourself in that place isn't always easy. You are a machine gun of questions about your own being and choices and what really is worth it in this life. But soon enough, sitting in that space brings you to the place of "enough". Where sitting with yourself is no longer scary but beautiful. 

When was the last time you made space for your faith?  

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Still out of commission.

Hello All!  

Still can't write much. Fourth day in the hospital and am not awake for very long during the day.  I'm very weak but pushing through. I had to have emergency gall bladder surgery and it turned out worse then we thought. The gall bladder was stuck to the liver it was so diseased and was causing the liver to bleed pretty bad. They were able to laser/cauterize the liver to stop bleeding. Now I've just been monitored for the bleeding, as the damage to the liver was pretty blah. Just wanted to thank everyone for the visits, the notes, flowers, and balloons. I know I haven't been too responsive but know that I appreciate it. Many thanks friends. 

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MTN Life Shout Out

My post this week will be brief and random until I no longer am on pain medication. I received these two different surprises this week from two different people. I suppose I remind people a lot of certain things, causes, and spaces.   I'm very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life supporting and surprising me as I come and go.  I'm wearing those surprises at the hospital. Just a wonderful reminder of all the love surrounding me. 

Today. Do a little small something to let a friend know that you hear them, that you value them, that they aren't forgotten. 

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Life. Happens

Ahhhh. Hello my peoples. I'm sorry for not checking in sooner. I've been in the hospital and will be having an emergency surgery tomorrow.

So while I can't write much, I do want to take this time to remind you to take care of yourself, both body and mind.  When your body speaks, listen. When your heart hurts, go talk to a therapist. When your back aches, get aligned.  

Always listen to yourself. You are the most beautiful thing you will ever own. Tune ups are just maintenance, to keep that spirit alive. 

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Do the things.

Today is about doing the things you love. So jump in. Drink coffee. Make some clay dinosaurs. Laugh with friends. Be unapollegeticaly you.    Buy yourself a new toy. Eat the last piece of pizza  

Do not ask yourself why you weren't worthy of someone's love. They were never worthy of your giving in the first place.  They were thieves. Taking twenties from your wallet while you were sleeping.  They never had the courage to face you with the not so pretty pieces of them. 

Good people do good things, within themselves and to others.   You can't be responsible for other people's behaviors. Only yours.  So choose the things that make you happy.  Choose the hard road because it makes you grow into a better person.   When you lay your head down at night ask yourself if you lived your day showing love,  whether towards yourself or others. Live intentionally and never do to others what you wouldn't want done to you.  Even at age 35 the golden rule still exist.  

 But today don't live in that space of what others have or have not done.    Do the things. Your things.   And just jump in. 

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New Shed for the ATVs.  

New Shed for the ATVs.  

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Living on purpose.

The more I grow. The more I realize the distance from who I was ten years ago to who I am today.  It's easy to recognize such measurables, especially on social media. I look at what I might have posted years ago and what I post now----and I see what's important to me.  I look at what others might post now (those much younger than I) and I realize the distance I have come in my purpose to life. Happy does not come from having 20 people deep at the bar, and killing two cases of beer over the weekend. Happy doesn't come from what your friends might think.  Happy does not come from using a person to fill a void. Happy comes in small envelopes, in small packages. It is not a thunderous bolt. It comes in a few quality people. In books. In staying sober most days so that you can be your most present at the moment and you are able to lean in. In giving, not taking.  Happy comes in experiences. In exploring. In growing.  In finding yourself, not looking for your light from others validation. Happy comes when you use your gifts to make a better world.  Happy comes when you recognize the good in you, and the bad in you. And you wear them like a brand new pair of shoes. Because you don't care what others think, as long as you are living a true and good life. And the pieces of you that aren't so pretty, you've taken that constructive criticism from others and you've made yourself aware of who you are. And you work on that everyday. You take that feedback and use it to better yourself.  And the pieces of you that are so pretty, you take those constructive compliments and you live with intention to give those beautiful pieces out to the world. You capitalize on your strengths. You give yourself away. Like candy. Because that's what we should be doing. We should be walking through this world giving ourselves out to the best of what's around us. That's how we live a more authentic life and connect with our truths. And that's what Jen Sincero says too.

 

This weekend was a perfect example of happy to me. Some friends came to visit the cabin. We got lost in the woods off roading. We found peace at the old swimming hole. We had good conversation while the sun set.  We didn't need beer. Didn't need a clique of people to feel important. Didn't need to go to a bar. Didn't need validation from others. Didn't need to fill a void. Didn't need to sacrifice parts of ourselves to be our real selves around each other. Or post about how our lives are happy. They just were. We found happy in simplicity. In going outside. In being the best version of ourselves. This reminded me of a page I read from Jen Sinceros book.  When we share what we were brought here to give we are living in alignment with our highest selves. How awesome is that? To be? To be present? To give your best self to friends? To grow in ways we never thought possible? To give your self, the not so good and the oh so beautiful to the world?  Don't show up to the party of life with the "I didn't want to come empty handed gift".....give the best gift you can give. Knock it out of the park! Live a life on purpose, and stop merely showing up for happy hour---start being present.

 

And god damnit. Read this book: You're a Badass

For more photos and videos. Check out my IG. 

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Go big eh.

By now you've heard or viewed my new page of PoetTree Tees. It was an idea that is now a reality. When I started pushing the idea I went big, super big.  I reached out to famous poets, and local poets. And well, I suppose luck or just the idea caught on. And well, I am  super excited to announce that our first featured poet will be from the awesome creative hand of Tyler Knott Gregson. Tyler is a poet, photographer, artist, and author of Wildly Into The Dark, the nationally bestselling Chasers of the Light, All the Words Are Yours, and the children's book North Pole Ninjas. Wildly Into The Dark. You've probably seen his typewriter series work in IG, or Pinterest. He's pretty much a legend to hopeless romantics everywhere. With close to 400k followers we are thrilled to have his work featured on our first tee! He lives in the mountains of Helena, Montana along with a giant golden retriever, Calvin. When he's not being struck by lightning or chased by orca whales, he's traveling the globe and always cooking up new tall tales and wild yarns.

Tyler's work will be featured with the featured National Moment of Muir Woods. A sure to be perfect match between the two. Check back in soon!

 

  xoxoxoxotoyourlovelyfaces

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Must be doing something right.

Hello Friends! Checking in from the mountain. Super excited to be here. I just feel like everything is falling into place. New AC installed. Carport cleaned out to be enclosed for the 4wheelers. And so many other cool small things to spruce up the property and land.  It's like things are turning around for the better, after a few rough months. Buying this place was the first right thing I have done since December. Yesterday we got to visit the old swimming hole, what a beautiful place...super clear water and neighbors on their 4wheelers just driving on over to cool off. My Jeep will also go right down to the river edge. Life up here is simple. Just the kind of simple I need. Fires. Beers, Shooting guns. Off roading. Fishing. Exploring. Hiking. I don't think I could have picked a better space or place to spend my time off.  The sky at night is gorgeous, it's like your sitting on a bar stool next to the stars. I am super excited to join all my friends down here in a month for the prime viewing party of the solar eclipse. What a special way to kick off the start of a new journey. Wherever you are reading from today, know that the only way through is through. There are rough days. Days where you will get stung by two wasps in the same foot within an hour (Yes, it hurt). There are humid days where the mower won't start. But then there are days where the sunset just winks back at you.  Where you look around and you see yourself surrounded by really good people. People who treat you well, and right, and you remember that good people still exist. That you deserve to be treated with honesy, and love, and respect...the same way you treat others. And there are days..... where your faith in humanity is restored and you realize that good things will happen to good people....and this cabin is just a testament to that very mantra. 

Will write more soon. Once the visits from family and friends die down. Sending love, whole lots of mountain summer firefly kind of love.  

-T  

 

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Daring Greatly

I've been in and out of reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. It's a great read about vulnerability and shame. I picked it up because Nashville based and famous photographer Theron Humphrey told me to when I had breakfast with him on a trip to Nashville, Tennessee in December.  It's been a book that makes you dig a little deeper within yourself. I like books like that.   Self mastery is a lesson I am constantly teaching myself. There is never a final exam when you are working on yourself. 

As you might assume, I have a hard time being vulnerable post my break up.  I tend to keep conversations at a surface level, push away new people, avoid dates, redirect hard questions, etc. Not because I'm weak, but because I felt as if I didn't have the energy to get there. To gather up the parts of me and hand them out like a serving plate for all. When I read this Brene Brown quote yesterday it clicked: Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.

I understand the necessity of both. Of victory and defeat. I think when I clam up it's because I'm remembering the feeling of defeat, where hurt has been abundant, and like a hurricane. I need to remember how the victory feels. The glory. Knowing someone fully. Learning to lean on them and lean in. That feeling of support and care.  And I have been given so many tiny victories just this week, from strangers all over simply by showing up, by being all in, even only in my tiny ways. From neighbors who drop off fresh eggs, to neighbors that invite me to their garden, that let me play with their goats, or watch the sunset on their bluff, or over to their garage bar, or who show up to mow my grass when I need.  To talking to complete strangers about the worst of me, and the best of me. These are those fruits of being all in. Of believing in other people again. That's been a hard thing to do. It's a slow process. I imagine it like the sun rising. Peeking  a little through the dark, then one beam, and three, and then 20. And then full blown wings of sunbeams lighting up the sky. It is a slow process, but I will get there. And the silly thing is, I don't think I'll even know that I have arrived...it will just happen.

When we engage, when we go all in, we rise, we shine. 

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Big News

Hey Everybody, by now you have seen or heard about our project of PoetTree Tee Co. We are super excited to announce some big news later on in the week. Stay tuned, and Happy Thursday. Wherever you are reading from today, be sure to remember that good people still do exist, and that you are worthy of all the tiny, beautiful, things. 

Having compassion

In a post I wrote last week I talked about how I go in and out of waves. From anger, to letting it go so it does not take up space in my heart, to feeling grateful for having being blessed with what I was given through my relationship.  I've been thinking more and more about healing and being mindful. I've also been listening to a lot of podcasts about practicing mindfulness. And because of that...

I ask myself often how does one go about feeling compassion for someone who just offended, ignored, or betrayed them? The most difficult time to enter into a more loving state of being is in the moment of offense, and for that matter every moment thereafter. And yet, for healing to be fully felt and experienced, compassion must return to the wounded heart, and it is the very source of the peace that is sought. 

But how does one develop that compassion? Is it easily read in a manual, does it come with time? Does it come with practice? Does it only ever come with an apology or closure? What if you never get closure? 

In an article about stress and anxiety I saw a great example that related to my thoughts about this concept of healing. In the article there was a quote from Roy Masters about one technique he shares to help people develop compassion and reduce resentment. Roy Masters is a prolific author and radio host that teaches mindfulness meditation exercises currently used by the Army to help soldiers cope. Though the whole quote is worth commenting on, I’mnjust going to highlight this one part  

“Imagine, however, that someone said or did something cruel to you, but that you did not react in any way whatsoever – you did not become upset, resentful or even ruffled. You simply observed that this person was saying or doing something cruel, as though you were calmly observing the scene in a movie. You simply would not be stressed by what would appear to others to be a highly stressful encounter. Stress and cruelty affect us as profoundly as they do only because we react to them resentfully.”

Why is it that you can watch something potentially offensive occur in a movie and not explode about it, but if it happens to you in real life, it is a big deal? At least one reason is your ego (or your big Snooze) was involved in one situation and not the other. In one case you were just observing something that has no bearing on your identity/ego, in another you believed some part of your worth was actually on the line.  This simple fact brings an interesting thought. When watching a movie or television series, have you ever been able to have compassion for the “bad character”, because you’d been shown their backstory and the reasons for all their pain?

I think the TV series This is Us did a great job at this (any other fans out there?). The underlying theme of the show was redemption, both individual and collective.  From eating due to past hurt, to anxiety if not being good enough from being different. Through flashbacks, the show helped you truly understand why it was that each of these individuals acted in dysfunctional ways. As a result, instead of despising the deeply flawed characters, you actually had compassion for them and each of their unique kinds of weaknesses and human frailties. You hated that Kate hurt Toby, but you understood the why. This is because you understood that when they hurt another character you liked, it was often because they themselves had been hurt. Instead of being offended by their actions, you found yourself rooting for them to overcome their challenges — you wanted them to find the happiness and wholeness they were seeking.

What if you could do the same thing with the people in your life? You may think you know your spouse, or children, or friends. But there will always be a great deal that you do NOT know about them. ( Actually today during a Criminal Minds episode, Dr. Reed said---do we ever really know someone" ?). The shame that each individual faces in life often causes them to hide the ugliest parts of their lives for fear of not being accepted as they are. (Believe me, I've seen this first hand). Though you might think you know someone, what you know is really just the part that they feel comfortable revealing to the world.

What if you could treat their weaknesses like you treat those of some flawed character in a movie or TV show you watch? What if you truly knew the root of their pain and the reasons they act out against you or others? What if you knew all their insecurities, fears, shames, guilts? What if you knew their past pain, anguish, etc? Would this help, find baking and lose the resentment? 

Do you think that your compassion for them would increase and be more of an automatic response? Would you be able to forgive more easily? Would you root for them, even in their weakness? Even when they've destroyed so many pieces of your life? 

This is what those in your life need you to be able to do! I think this is where it starts. It is the beginning of compassion, and therefore the beginning of healing. It is a hard battle and I don't know that I'm there yet, because my situation was particularly damaging, and back and forth, and came with a lot of intentional hurt and abandoning and broken promises---but I know that I will try. I will say it out loud and I will try. 

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