Remember why you started? Nah. Remember these three things.
I've learned many things about relationships this past year. In my quest to not settle and not rationalize behaviors. I find it imperative to put these on paper to use as a reference when I put myself in a situation again in the future.
1. You can't be in a relationship with a selfish person. It's true. We all deserve our own time. Our own friends. Our own space. And some of my best relationships were times when we embraced that. But there is a clear difference between being an individual and being selfish. Relationships are not friendships. Sure, when a friend texts and ask to hang out---you might not feel up to it so you back out or say maybe next week. That's the nature of friendships. The nature of relationships is much different. You are to be sharing things together. Like birthdays, struggles, grocery shopping, bad days, days where you do absolutely nothing. It is not merely a relationship in which you choose if hanging out with that person interest you that week. It is a commitment of time and attention, and not checking out. A relationship will make you lose sleep and time. A night at a hospital, a night taking care of a puking partner, a conversation and pick me up when they are sad and you are busy. That's the nature of relationships. They are a dyadic relationship always balancing each other out. Selfish doesn't work in a relationship. You can't get frustrated and go home (like with friends). You can't check out of a family because you don't feel like it that week. When you commit to someone, you commit to all of those things. Not some days. Not when it's convenient for you to talk. Not when it's convenient for you to hang out. Not when you want attention, affection, or time. But most days. Because in a relationship it's not just about you. You make time for the people you love. You rearrange your schedule. You run to the store when they don't feel well. You realize that their time with you is just as important as your time. Because that's the nature of being unselfish.
2. You have absolutely every right to feel your feelings. If you want out of a relationship, that's fine. If you fell out of love. That's fine. If you are sad or stressed that's fine. You have every right to feel the way you want. You do not have the right to treat people like shit because of those feelings. Those feelings are yours to deal with and they don't warrant you acting in intentional hurtful ways towards someone. So while you can feel a certain way, you have no right to put someone down, to shut a door on them, to threaten to call the cops because you don't want to communicate right now, to ghost them, to blame them for your life's trials, to scream or swear at them. You made a promise. That you would love that person unconditionally. In the end, relationships fail. And you can't stop them from doing so. However, you can stop the negative context in which they might end. It is true that you can love a person unconditionally in a non romantic context and care about them as a person. Therefor, just because your relationship ends does not mean your morale and character should also end. People are not toothbrushes. We don't simply get rid of them every few months and just pick up a new. That unconditional love comes with the right ways of treating someone. It is a love that demands respect, compassion, and kindness. Even at times of struggle. Even when you don't work out. Demand more from someone. If someone has given you 8 years of their life, give them the love/understanding that they deserve when you choose to step away. When you act in healthy ways like this from a place of love, you'll find that...you have more space in your heart for positive things. There is no longer space being consumed by the negative, unhealthy, and hurtful interactions you left someone with. And plus, (unless they were abusive, cheating bastards) did they deserve that from you? Leave someone how you would want to be left.
3. Trust actions. Not words. Words are easy to say. As humans in a competitive society we want people to think we have grown or look better. We strive to lose weight, we highlight our hair, we show off our vacations and new lovers like trophies. The same goes for our internal selves. We want people to believe that indeed we did change those internal behaviors that weren't so good for us. It's easy to say we changed. That we no longer avoid hard situations. That we don't seek fulfillment in a gaggle of friends instead of within ourselves. That we don't check out during stressful situations. People will say these things to you, but their actions will speak much much louder. Listen to them. Anyone can say they changed, and it might seem like it...,until there is a challenge. What do their actions say when you reach that familiar place? Trust that.
Unconditionally.
It's true that people will mold into many roles in your life. From friend, to lover, to best friend, to stranger. The flow of life causes that to happen. But when you love someone unconditionally they treat you with respect, love, and compassion no matter what Role you are standing in. There are few people in this world that show up everytime when it matters. This girl is one of them. When my grandparents died. When my fiancé walked away from me. When an ex lover ghosted me. Sometimes there were years between these events. Years of not talking. But this girl would see me hurting and show up. A message. A phone call. Continuous wellness checks. Visits. She was there out of pure concern and love for who I was. That my friends, is the definition of unconditional love. We have disagreed. We didn't work out in a relationship. We've had some fights. We are both indescribable stubborn. But we always treated each other with respect, which is why our friendship is so invaluable. You can learn a lot about someone by the way they treat you after their needs from you have changed. Take the lesson.
Do you.
Someone once told me my stud earrings were to ghetto. I stopped wearing them for three years. It took me many years to figure out that what matters most is how I feel in my own body. My body is not an exentension of my partners. It is my own. Individual and raw. Don't ever let anyone put you down just because they might be different than you. Say the silly things. Be you. Wear the earrings. Those that matter will love you anyways and anyhow.
Hit the spot.
The world is full of superficial people...Who talk a lot of game but when it comes down to hard work they are nowhere to be found. Show up. Do the work. Or go. Relationships aren't easy. Quitting is. Be with someone who is 100% sure and shows it (everyday). Not just some days. Not just on good days. Every day.
Most days.
When you enter into something again with the promise that you are here for good, you stay. Even if it means sifting through some hard things. Some uncomfortable conversations or positions as to not fall back into old routines.
When someone breaks that trust. I don't think there is ever a way to go back. How do you trust that someone won't walk away again the next time they feel overwhelmed or frustrated? How do you know they won't check out for days when you have a family together? How can you trust they'll be there in your times of need? Of struggle? Who wants that grey? That in between of who knows if someone will love them that day? Or rather. Love them enough? Reliability and security is a big part of trust. And if you don't have those two components you'll never make it.
Do what you said you'd do, even on the rainy days. Not some days. Not when it's easy. Not when it's convenient. Do it when it's hard. When it's most needed. And that is true change. Asking someone who is telling you that they want to spend the rest of their life with you to communicate with you when you disagree on something is not trying to control the other person. Asking someone to communicate in a healthy way with you rather than sending an abrupt minimal text message, or storming out on a conversation while yelling or swearing at someone -is not controlling someone. It is simply asking the person you care about to walk together with you in a healthy way, rather than avoiding, blaming, ignoral and intentionally hurting someone. If you mirror the love that you give to one another, then you should always be walking toward each other in a healthy way. In the words of Andrea Gibson " i'm never going to make you wait that extra 20 minutes, when I know your life has been hard already "
Relationships are hard. Trust is hard. Doing what you said is hard. But it's worth it. Oh boy is it worth it. Love is not conditional. You can't just love someone "most days". Love is everyday and somedays its not kisses and flowers. It's staying and talking. Its losing sleep because she's sick. It's showing up. It's change. Sometimes love looks a little different. But it should always be there. Always. To the moon and back right? Pinky Promise?
Love is an action word. What do your actions say about you on the bad days? The struggling days? And how do you come back after you let someone down? Do you show up? Or run further?
Another trip round the sun.
Yesterday I was watching an episode of Boy Meets World. It was a Christmas episode. And of course Corey was out back saying that Shawn didn't understand Christmas. Mr. Feene looks at Corey and says it's Corey that doesn't understand Christmas. He says, "Christmas isn't about the gifts you receive that day. It's about the gifts you have received all year". In most ways, that's how I've always felt about my birthday. It's why I've always preferred gatherings, experiences together, and quality time. Each year I gain a few more gifts throughout the year---a friend, a puppy (hopefully not every year), a new self-awareness, someone who has returned to find me again, a book, and new learning from that book, a visit to a city I've never been, a new trip with family and friends, and a new life-a nephew. Gifts look very differently everyday that I wake up. Sometimes it's something I want to return to the store but can't. I've had plenty of those this year and still struggle with them everyday. But I will minimize their power-even if I fail at it. I try to give less space to them.
In the spirit of "you're a badass" (my book of the year) I want to call attention to the law of attraction--- That you bring into your world what your mind makes space for. I can't say I'm the Best at this (especially with someone with anxiety/depression) but I can say that I've been working on being more mindful of it. Seeing red flags and not rationalizing. Not accepting less then. Trying to be more vulnerable in my work life. Holding on to my boundaries of what I will not allow to cross into my life. I've lost some people in that struggle to keep more positive around me so that my thoughts continue to blossom in more beautiful ways. However, I gained some people too.
It's a struggle everyday to redirect your mind to good things. It's a struggle to rumble with failure. Because success looks very differently to everyone. I think the people who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses in this world. And so I will try to choose courage over comfort. Even if I fail at it. You should too. You never know who might call your "me too" as one of their gifts for the year.
It's true that many of us will spend our entire lives trying to slog through the "shame swampland" to get to a place where we can give ourselves the ultimate permission to both be imperfect and to believe we are enough.
Don't waste another birthday. And in the words of one of my favorite songs this year "I won't be late for this, late for that, late for the love of my life".
We will be free.
Just some reminders for the week. With my birthday in just a few days I'll be sure to post a deeper reflection, as I always do.
Happy Summer Friends! Go outside!
Small.
Things that make me happy.
This.
A friend sent this to me the other day. She said it reminded her of me. It was a nice reminder that my shift in presence, and grace, and loyalty to myself and to a quality life and network are so abundant that others can see and feel it too. How sweet life is to find what makes you happy and to carry it with you. Authenticity is a light bag to throw over your shoulder.
Thank you for sharing Kate.
Oops.
And we are on vacation again. Definitely needed some respite with my pack.
Here is to writing research. Reading. Sun on my face. Kisses on my forehead. And lots of reflection on how far I've come.
Feel free to stop by the beachhouse. :)
much love.
Happy. Just happy.
Another year has come. Love has come and gone too. And arrived again. How sweet it is to have grown so much and be authentically in a better place. Standing up for respect. Getting rid of toxic people. Being true to your words and actions. Surrounding yourself with people who are positive and always the bigger person. Spending your days in a true spirit happiness And content. Never looking for that next best thing. Because the best thing is here. Already here.
Eat the donut. Make the trip. Give it the time.
Happy Pride :)
Super excited for another Pride in the Bus! Catch me (us) if you can.
Good Day!
Had a blast at the Train and Hall and Oats concert. Didn't realize how much I'd love Hall And Oats. So many classics!
Let positivity folllow.
Sometimes I Uber when I'm not teaching much over the summer. I love driving and really enjoy the people I meet. And it forces me to get moving, as sitting around with your puppy is easy to do when you work from home and very infrequently during the summer months. Today I drove two of the singers from the band "Train" to the mall. They have a show tomorrow with Hall and Oates. We talked about mental health the whole ride and society's obsession with perfection. At the end of the trip they said they loved my spirit and asked if I'd be there guest tomorrow at their concert and come back and meet them. I said sure! So they just texted with my VIP passes. While I haven't been an avid Train follower I do like some of their stuff and their kindness was so refreshing and needed today. I'm super excited to hear the song "Marry Me" which has always been one of my favorites. Here's to small acts of kindness. And good conversations. And a positive spirit that shines through.
Let joy begin.
Have you heard DMB's song Let Joy Begin? Stellar. I love me a little joy. And here are some pictures capturing it. Rainbow wings? Mountains? A freaking wall of cassette tapes??!!!!!
p.s. I'm always gonna wonder what the missing one was. Cher? Paula Abdoul? Jim Croce? :)?
Cool places.
Explore. Go.
To be seen.
Just remember to look beneath the surface,” he says, his voice low. “Beneath the surface, we all just want to be seen. Every single one of us just wants to be seen.
HB
