Coming Home

The other day I was laying in bed. As the sweat dripped off my water bottle I watched a moth fly towards my night stand light. A text came through to my phone. “What are you doing?”

I replied “nothing” and “I don’t think I have ever felt this way before”. The ding came again “it’s nice isn’t it”?

Nice is not nearly large enough of a descriptor to explain the relief your body feels when you move from your nervous system being in a trauma fight or flight state for 44 years. The rest felt like an awakening. Yes, like an exorcism where I have just been plopped down into earth and this was my day 1. No Ufo. No cornfield. No caveman mentality. Just me, myself, and my thoughts. A space foreign to my processing. I suddenly looked at the moon differently, pet my dogs softer, counted how many times a lightning bug flashes per minute, and I stayed still. For so many years of my life I have bounced to the next thing (bachelors, masters, doctorate…house, house, cabin, rescue….new bathroom, new kitchen, new car, new people, trips and ideas)….and that bouncing never allowed me to stay still, to feel, to be, or to be known—-by myself or others. That bouncing also caused me to allow an admission to things I did not really want to do, people I did not really want to give my time to, and a life I was obligated to show up for because of guilt. But gulit—-overstayed its welcome. And here I am resting——doing the things——trusting the process——giving my energy to the people and life that does not ask me to apologize, to explain, to be anything other than who I am and that is enough.

Recently I was with a friend….and she said “I love that you take your shoes off wherever you are”. And she is right, I take my shoes off because I want to feel the ground below me. While other cultures see the act of taking your shoes off as an act of respect as you are about to enter holy ground, I see it as an act of joy….of letting my feet curl into the world that has enveloped me with every experience that I have needed to be standing where I am today. It grounds me as much as water grounds my peace, and the sun grounds my depression

In this time of my life I am finally realizing who I am. My phone dings again….”you are ultimately the first home you come back to”. And is that not the truth? I am here, coming home to myself…breathing on my own…making my own decisions…trusting my intuition…sitting with it and leaning into it.

Speaking of sitting. This week I drop by a friends shop and she says “when is the last time you felt your intuition” and I respond….”I don’t think ever until this week”. I tell her about how I struggle with decision making in the moment. That in the moment my brain says what I need to do….but then time passes and I am back to rationalizing or avoiding. My friend says make your decision in that first “moment”, the moment you feel it and write it down…stay committed to it. And so I am learning to commit to my intuition, to my feelings, and it feels light and right and real. And it feels like a home where I wanna decorate the mantle, fix the squeeky door, and always leave the lights on.

Oh, and it’s 11. 11 times the lightning bug flashed before me during that minute. I bet the lightning bug did not know I was counting…and that is the best part….to just exist as you are.